Another ugly blaaahg

December 14, 2007

Chain mails = spam

Filed under: Life...but how to live it? — Tags: — Ketil @ 17:33

Some time ago I modified a chain mail that I received. I’m so tired of this crap. Is this what people need mail for? That and V1AGRA?
Anyway, I made the (), the rest is original, I’m sorry to say. (Except for the last line)

Sorry, but you never know.
You have 6 minutes

There’s some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you’re not superstitious. This has been around the world ten times so Far.
(Of course, we have no way of counting this, but you must admit it sounds impressive. Also, what do we mean by “around the world”? If I send it to my geographic neighbor, does that count for 10 metres or 1x around the world?)

Do not keep this message.

It must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. (I say this, regardless of what I just told you about it working for non-superstitious people, aka. realists)
This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired. (Or, as mentioned, a realist. Wait just a doggone minute! “Faith impaired”?!? So, now it’s a disability?)

ONE.
Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. (Like kicking someone’s ass. When they think you’re done, give it 5 more minutes. Especially if they are the ones sending you chain mails)

TWO.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. (Duh!)

THREE.
Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. (For the religious type, note that “hear” also applies to “from voices from the sky”, and can be replaced with “read”.)

FOUR.
When you say, “I love you,” mean it. (Even though the rest of your relationship is a lie, or you manage to convince yourself you love them, so they’ll sleep with you.)

FIVE.
When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye. (I.e. a chain letter must be apologised for in person. Start making a list of addresses. Chain letters ARE on the “stuff-to-apologise-for”-list.)

SIX.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married. (That way, you’ll be able to determine if whoever you picked out looks like crap when the weather changes)

SEVEN.
Believe in love at first sight. (Even if it will seriously fuck up your head every time you meet someone new.)

EIGHT.
Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much. (However, do laugh at people believing in stupid letters like this)

NINE.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely. (Or, as the cliché goes: “It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Why are we reinventing the wheel here people?!?)

TEN.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. (Except if they deserve it and/or started it)

ELEVEN.
Don’t judge people by their relatives. (Except if we’re talking autosomal dominant disorders)

TWELVE.
Talk slowly but think quickly. (This will make you 1. sound profound, and 2. give you time to pat yourself on the back for it)

THIRTEEN.
When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?” (Because then you will come of like a complete prick, and will not have to talk to the person again.)

FOURTEEN.
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. (Or great luck or plain annoyance)

FIFTEEN.
Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze. (Excet if you don’t believe in a deity. In that case, reply with an incoherent mumble. Also saying “bless you” might sound a bit pompous if English isn’t your first language.)

SIXTEEN.
When you lose, don’t lose the lesson (Ah, see what they did there, a play on word? Cute!)

SEVENTEEN.
Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. (Also remember to wash your hands after going to the bathroom, be nice to old people and strangers, take out the trash, buy milk, use sunblock)

EIGHTEEN.
Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship. (It might turn out to be the only friend you’ll have)

NINETEEN.
When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. (Hopefully, it won’t add insult to injury)

TWENTY.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. (Which is great if you want to talk to the person, not so peachy if it’s someone incredibly boring or a telemarketer)

TWENTY-ONE.
Spend some time alone. (You have hands and needs, right?)

Now,
here’s the FUN part! (Huh, wasn’t reading this original list fun?)

Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. (If you decide that having annoyed 5 people is an improvement.)

1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.

5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking. (So, we’re imagining my life is so fucking worthless, that a slight improvement is still a shitty life? Thanks!)

9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks (Surprises like “Wow, 5 people told me they thought getting spam from you was annoying”)

15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. (Yeah, right. Why am I still not a millionaire with a supermodel girlfriend. And, for the love of any deity, why am I still getting chain letters?!?)

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. (If you’re a woman, this is how I hope you will react the next time I reach for your breasts)

Do not
keep this message! (Because you reading this steaming heap of unoriginal trash, implies that you are now one of our drones that will do anything we say.)

And, FFS, delete the bottom spam from Yahoo,Hotmail, etc. when passing it on.

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